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The Official Jokes Thread
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<blockquote data-quote="CDA" data-source="post: 119000" data-attributes="member: 103"><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Dear Santa,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Merry Christmas,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Timmy Jones</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">* *</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Dear Timmy,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">something you can go outside and play with.*</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Merry Christmas,*</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Santa Claus***</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">* *</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Mr. Claus,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">trite?</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Respectfully,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Tim Jones</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">* *</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Mr. Jones,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Very Truly Yours,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">S Claus</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">* *</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Now look here Fat Man,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">T-Bone</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">* *</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Listen Pizza Face,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">S Clizzy</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">* *</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Dear Santa,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Timmy</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">* *</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Timmy,</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">That's what I thought you little bastard.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'">Santa</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CDA, post: 119000, member: 103"] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Dear Santa,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. [/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Merry Christmas,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Timmy Jones[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]* *[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Dear Timmy,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]something you can go outside and play with.*[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Merry Christmas,*[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Santa Claus***[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]* *[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Mr. Claus,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]trite?[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Respectfully,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Tim Jones[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]* *[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Mr. Jones,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Very Truly Yours,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]S Claus[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]* *[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Now look here Fat Man,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN![/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]T-Bone[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]* *[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Listen Pizza Face,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]you're ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]S Clizzy[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]* *[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Dear Santa,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Timmy[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]* *[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Timmy,[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]That's what I thought you little bastard.[/FONT] [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Santa[/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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