Forums
New posts
Search forums
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Off Topic
Off Topic Discussions
The Official Jokes Thread
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="James" data-source="post: 49215" data-attributes="member: 2"><p><strong>Wife from Hell</strong></p><p></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,'</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #0070c0"><span style="color: #0070c0"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 9px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">.</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">The driver says, </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">. ' </span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #cc0066"><span style="color: #cc0066"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'Now don't be silly, <strong><strong>dear </strong></strong>-- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">' </span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span><strong><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><strong>'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !!</strong></span></span></span></span></span></strong><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"> ?</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">' </span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">The wife smiles demurely and says, </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #cc0066"><span style="color: #cc0066"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'Well <strong><strong>dear</strong></strong> you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">As the officer makes out the <strong><strong>second ticket</strong></strong> for the <em><u><em>illegal</em></u></em> radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">The officer frowns and says, </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #0070c0"><span style="color: #0070c0"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">The driver says, </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">The wife says, </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #cc0066"><span style="color: #cc0066"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'Now, <strong><strong>dear,</strong></strong> you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">And as the police officer is writing out the <strong><strong>third ticket</strong></strong>, the driver turns to his wife and barks, </span></span></span></span></span><strong><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><strong>'W</strong></span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #339966"><span style="color: #339966"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><strong>ILL</strong></span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="color: #00b050"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><strong>YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??</strong></span></span></span></span></span></strong><strong><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><strong>'</strong></span></span></span></span></span></strong><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">The officer looks over at the woman and asks, </span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #0070c0"><span style="color: #0070c0"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?</span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'">'</span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><strong><strong> (I love this part)</strong></strong></span></span></span></span></span></p><p></p><p> <span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"><span style="font-size: 10px"><span style="color: black"><span style="color: black"><span style="font-family: 'Arial'"></span></span></span></span></span><strong><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><span style="font-size: 18px"><span style="color: #cc0066"><span style="color: #cc0066"><span style="font-family: 'Kristen ITC'"><strong>'Only when he's been drinking!!'</strong></span></span></span></span></span></strong></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="James, post: 49215, member: 2"] [b]Wife from Hell[/b] [FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC]A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,'[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#0070c0][COLOR=#0070c0][FONT=Kristen ITC]I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=1][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC].[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC] The driver says, [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#00b050][COLOR=#00b050][FONT=Kristen ITC]'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC]. ' Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#cc0066][COLOR=#cc0066][FONT=Kristen ITC]'Now don't be silly, [B][B]dear [/B][/B]-- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC]' As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][B][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#00b050][COLOR=#00b050][FONT=Kristen ITC][B]'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !![/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#00b050][COLOR=#00b050][FONT=Kristen ITC] ?[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC]' The wife smiles demurely and says, [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#cc0066][COLOR=#cc0066][FONT=Kristen ITC]'Well [B][B]dear[/B][/B] you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC]' As the officer makes out the [B][B]second ticket[/B][/B] for the [I][U][I]illegal[/I][/U][/I] radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#00b050][COLOR=#00b050][FONT=Kristen ITC]'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC]' The officer frowns and says, [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#0070c0][COLOR=#0070c0][FONT=Kristen ITC]'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC]' The driver says, [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#00b050][COLOR=#00b050][FONT=Kristen ITC]'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC]' The wife says, [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#cc0066][COLOR=#cc0066][FONT=Kristen ITC]'Now, [B][B]dear,[/B][/B] you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC]' And as the police officer is writing out the [B][B]third ticket[/B][/B], the driver turns to his wife and barks, [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][B][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#00b050][COLOR=#00b050][FONT=Kristen ITC][B]'W[/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B][B][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#339966][COLOR=#339966][FONT=Kristen ITC][B]ILL[/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B][B][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#00b050][COLOR=#00b050][FONT=Kristen ITC][B]YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??[/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B][B][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC][B]'[/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC] The officer looks over at the woman and asks, [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#0070c0][COLOR=#0070c0][FONT=Kristen ITC]'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?[/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Kristen ITC]' [B][B] (I love this part)[/B][/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Arial][SIZE=3][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Arial][SIZE=2][COLOR=black][COLOR=black][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][B][FONT=Kristen ITC][SIZE=5][COLOR=#cc0066][COLOR=#cc0066][FONT=Kristen ITC][B]'Only when he's been drinking!!'[/B][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT][/B] [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Off Topic
Off Topic Discussions
The Official Jokes Thread
Top
