@Andy, I have no problem taking the advice of 9.5 out of 10 people on this site, you guys are awesome.
But you need to understand that sometimes I am too smart for my own good, my own worst enemy some days, and often times a complete and total moron, like right now.
I've been out in the garage messing with this thing for last few hours and been scratching my head...
So I went back to square one and lo and behold, I find my dumbass relearning the basics.
It turns out that this engine (and I assume others) actually needs gas to run!
Who'da thunk!?
I still need to dial it in more, but I took it for a rip around the block and she accelerates nicely, doesn't sputter, and generally runs closer to like it should.
In my haste while first getting it going I only put in a small amount of fuel because I didn't know how long it would take to get it running and I didn't want to have a bunch of gas go bad, or be lifting a heavy tank on and off again a million times.
Dipshit I am.
We've all been guilty of that once in a while.
Did you go fatter on the jets yet?