The Official Jokes Thread

James

James

Staff member
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back! We can't afford them," orders the wife.

They carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's half the price."



Cleanup on aisle 25: We have a husband down!
 
James

James

Staff member
One liners from our late night talk show hosts


America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--- Jay Leno

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
-- unknown

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--- Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--- Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--- David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America!
--- Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--- Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--- David Letterman
 
James

James

Staff member
One sunny day in January, 2013 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

 The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

 The old man said, "Okay", and walked away.

 The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

 The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is no longer president and no longer resides here."

 The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

 The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Obama."

 The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already that Mr. Obama is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

 The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

 The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
 
James

James

Staff member
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said,

'JESUS SAVES'
:lol:
 
James

James

Staff member
Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
Their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in
His son's medicine cabinet, he asked
About using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should
Take one Dad; they're very strong
And very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
Try one, and before we leave in the
Morning, I'll put the money
Under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found
$110 under the pillow. He called
Grandpa and said, "I told
You each pill was
$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The
Hundred is from Grandma!"
 
James

James

Staff member
Bracelet at Tiffany's

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts .

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'

Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam.. If you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
 
payloan

payloan

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment"
and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours
are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.

You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point
in you coming in for that
 
Rack

Rack

Female Aliens Are Here

Female aliens are invading the earth

and kidnapping men with big dicks....

you're not in any danger,
I just emailed you to say
goodbye
 
rezrider

rezrider

A brother and sister from the country were attending school in the city for the first time...the teacher went around the room asking that each of the students to stand and say their names loudly to everyone in the room. When it came time for the young country boy to stand he said after clearing his voice...ma'am my name is Wagon Wheel Jones. The teacher was a little confused and asked that he say his name again so he did...Ma'am my name is Wagon Wheel Jones. The teacher askes him...and how did you come about getting that "cute" name? The young lad said "well ma'am my pa said that when he and my ma were done wrestlin in the hay the first thing he saw he'd name his next child after it SO here I am ma'am, Wagon Wheel Jones". The teacher doesn't believe him and asked that he quit with the foolishness and tell eveyone his real name...he stood up and once again and said MY NAME IS WAGON WHEEL JONES. The teacher becomes furious and sends him to the principles office...On his way out he grabs his sister and says "come on Chicken Shit, she aint gonna believe you neither!!!
 
James

James

Staff member
Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington , D.C. with the intention of buying a brand new vehicle. Harry looks around and finds one he likes. After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000.

Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork.

Harry works out a 4-year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.

The salesman shakes Harry’s hand and says, “Thanks Senator Reid, the car will

be ready for pickup in 4 years.” Harry says, “What are you talking about?

Where are the keys to my new car?”

The salesman replies,"No you don't understand Senator. You make payments

for 4 years. THEN we give you the car. You know, just like your health plan."

Harry, with a choking voice, says to the salesman, "But that's not fair".

The salesman says, "NO SHIT". :banghead:
 
Agent2

Agent2

Doctor tells the husband 'Bad News...'
Lay it on me Doc
Your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's.
What do I do?
Drop her off across town, if she can find her way home, don't screw her.
 
Agent2

Agent2

"Get me a beer". The husband asks.
"I've been reading a lot about woman's rights, and I don't have to. Especially when you talk to me that way. Get your own beer". The wife replies.
"How would you like to not see me for a few days?"
"I'd love it. I'm sick of the way you treat me".
She didn't see him the next day. She didn't see him the second day. And she didn't see him the third day. The fourth day she could barely see him out of the corner of her right eye.
 
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