The Official Jokes Thread
- Thread starter James
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Bunk Beds?........................... what's that mean???
A bunk bed is a type of bed in which one bed frame is stacked on top of another. The nature of bunk beds allows two or more people to sleep in the same room while maximizing available floor space. This leads to them being used in places with limited floor space, such as on ships and in army garrisons or in places that wish to maximize bedspace such as: dormitories, summer camp cabins, hostels, children's rooms, prison cells, or university residence halls.
Sexual Intercourse?
Sexual intercourse, also known as copulation or coitus, is commonly defined as the insertion of a male's penis into a female's vagina for the purposes of sexual pleasure, reproduction, or both.[3][4][5][6] The term may also describe other sexual penetrative acts, such as anal sex, oral sex or fingering, or use of a strap-on dildo, which can be practiced by straight and gay or lesbianpairings, or multiple partners.[3][6][7]
Bunk Beds?
A bunk bed is a type of bed in which one bed frame is stacked on top of another. The nature of bunk beds allows two or more people to sleep in the same room while maximizing available floor space. This leads to them being used in places with limited floor space, such as on ships and in army garrisons or in places that wish to maximize bedspace such as: dormitories, summer camp cabins, hostels, children's rooms, prison cells, or university residence halls.
Sexual Intercourse?
Sexual intercourse, also known as copulation or coitus, is commonly defined as the insertion of a male's penis into a female's vagina for the purposes of sexual pleasure, reproduction, or both.[3][4][5][6] The term may also describe other sexual penetrative acts, such as anal sex, oral sex or fingering, or use of a strap-on dildo, which can be practiced by straight and gay or lesbianpairings, or multiple partners.[3][6][7]
Thank you for that.... I almost forgot....
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over, unzipped his fly and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?' Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, 'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?' Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said, 'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'
THIS JUST IN:
Not racist...just the facts
Playboy magazine has reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $75 by National Geographic.
In other news...we all remember when KFC ( Kentucky Fried Chicken) offered a "Hillary Meal" consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and a s s holes.
Just keeping you up to date.
Not racist...just the facts
Playboy magazine has reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $75 by National Geographic.
In other news...we all remember when KFC ( Kentucky Fried Chicken) offered a "Hillary Meal" consisting of 2 small breasts and 2 large thighs. Now, KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing but left wings and a s s holes.
Just keeping you up to date.
Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with
all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s h i t inside!"
Now you know... Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with
all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s h i t inside!"
Now you know... Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking.
A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
the old farmer said,
"that's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes."
"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent
"we can't allow animals in the theater."
the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named mildred and marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. . . The old farmer
unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"marge," whispered mildred.
"what?" said marge.
"i think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"what makes you think so?" asked marge?
"he undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered mildred.
"well, don't worry about it", said marge.. "at our age we've seen 'em all"
"i thought so too", said mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
the old farmer said,
"that's my pet rooster chuck. Wherever i go, chuck goes."
"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent
"we can't allow animals in the theater."
the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named mildred and marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. . . The old farmer
unbuttoned his fly so chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"marge," whispered mildred.
"what?" said marge.
"i think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"what makes you think so?" asked marge?
"he undid his pants and he has his thing out", whispered mildred.
"well, don't worry about it", said marge.. "at our age we've seen 'em all"
"i thought so too", said mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was
'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her ( . Y . )'S are
so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and
we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was
'fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the
word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been
burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her ( . Y . )'S are
so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...
"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel that
you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...
"Tell me, please! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other.
One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "Well, what's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel that
you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
Are you smarter than a first grader??
What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed
a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the
dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.
a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the
dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.