The Official Jokes Thread

CDA

CDA

"Shopping At The Pharmacy"

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking
out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins
(Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins).

There were many sizes, from dimes to dollars. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the
bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller
ones.

The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we
could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son." To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"

With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"
 
rezrider

rezrider

A brunette was walking along a bank of a nice winding river but is wishing she were on the other side sicne that's where the shade is...when she sees a blonde walking on the other side...the brunette yells to the blonde "HOW DO YOU GET TO THE OTHER SIDE"? the blonde looks around and yells back "I AM ON THE OTHER SIDE"!
 
James

James

Staff member
It all began with an iPhone...


March was when my grandson celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?


I celebrated my birthday in May and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.


My daughter's birthday was in November so I got her an iPod Touch.


June came by so for my wife’s birthday I bought her an iRon.


It was around then that the fight started...


What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.


This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.


I should be out of the hospital by Thursday!
 
rezrider

rezrider

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
 
rezrider

rezrider

NATURAL BORN CITIZENS.....

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?" Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!
They breed and they walk Among US... :shocked:
 
CDA

CDA

$5.37

That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
 
jackson409

jackson409

WAL-MART INTERVIEW

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning..

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm......let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply..

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'
'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
 
Rack

Rack

Bike Humor[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.



The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"



"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
​




​

 
James

James

Staff member
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with "hell" and you say something with "ass".

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.



When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios".

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom shut him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
 
James

James

Staff member
Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around Mexico.


While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.
 
James

James

Staff member
The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good', and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.
 
James

James

Staff member
Exercise for people over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. :smirk:
 
rezrider

rezrider

James:
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag. :smirk:
Click to expand...

smart azz.............:lol:
 
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