The Official Jokes Thread

[Rack]

[FONT=&quot]Clunker Math[/FONT]

The person who calculated this bit of information is now & has been a professor at West Virginia University in Morgantown, West Virginia for the last forty some years. I never looked at the clunker program in this way.

Think of it this way: A clunker that travels 12,000 miles a year at 15 mpg uses 800 gallons of gas a year. A vehicle that travels 12,000 miles a year at 25 mpg uses 480 gallons a year. So, the average Cash for Clunkers transaction will reduce US gasoline consumption by 320 gallons per year. They claim 700,000 vehicles were taken off the road so that's 224 million gallons saved per year. That equates to a bit over 5 million barrels of oil.

5 million barrels is about 5 hours worth of US consumption. More importantly, 5 million barrels of oil at $70 per barrel costs about $350 million dollars So, we paid $3 billion of our tax dollars to save $350 million.

Bottom line, we spent $8.57 for every dollar we saved.

I'm pretty sure they'll do a great job with our health care, though.

 

[Rack]

There are just some e-mails you can't send to just everybody......

What gets longer when pulled,
fits between your boobs,
inserts neatly in a hole
AND works best when it is jerked?

Scroll down.......

A Seatbelt you pervert!​

Buckle up!

 

[CDA]

Ukrainian bank robber

An armed, hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ukraine and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Ukrainian customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.
One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him too.
Everyone, by now, is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.
There are a few moments silence, then one elderly Ukrainian gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand, clears his throat, and says: "I think my wife over there may have caught a glimpse...!"

 

[CDA]

SCAM WARNING


I Just got scammed out of $25.00
Bought Tiger Woods "DVD" entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes."
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money.
Pass this on, so others don't get burned

 

[suzuki_dude]

a guy goes to loisiana to go rabbit hunting and he has a gide the guy sees the bushes rustle so he aims his gun and shoots, then he notices he shot a black guy, so hes freakin out and his gide says y r u freakin out man were alowed to shoot them down here, so there goin back to the truck got a couple rabbits and a couple black guys and he sees a black guy stealing his hub-caps and shoots him, the game worden walks up to him and says sir your under arrest, and the man says "i thought we were alowed to shoot black guys" and the game worden says "you are, but your not alowed to bait 'em." (this is not ment to offend anyone)

 

[timoyz]

Joke's ok, but it does need quite a few more periods.

 

[LeadHead]

a guy goes to loisiana to go rabbit hunting and he has a gide the guy sees the bushes rustle so he aims his gun and shoots, then he notices he shot a black guy, so hes freakin out and his gide says y r u freakin out man were alowed to shoot them down here, so there goin back to the truck got a couple rabbits and a couple black guys and he sees a black guy stealing his hub-caps and shoots him, the game worden walks up to him and says sir your under arrest, and the man says "i thought we were alowed to shoot black guys" and the game worden says "you are, but your not alowed to bait 'em." (this is not ment to offend anyone)

Pretty funny! But it was a little bit hard to read.

 

[rezrider]

Joke's ok, but it does need quite a few more periods.

also spelling and a little brushing up on the grammar................other than that..........funny...

 

[jackson409]

also spelling and a little brushing up on the grammar................other than that..........funny...

 

[yamadogyz]

Two hunters are out in the woods hunting. The one hunter starts yelling to his friend "Oh my god! I'm having a heart attack". After a breif second the guy fall over dead in the snow. His friend calls 911 and says "My friend is dead!" the oparator says"OK I need you to listen to me very carefully" "calm down. Now set down the phone and make sure your friends dead." After a second the oparator hears on the other end click, BAM BAM. The man picks up the phone and says "Alright! Whats next."

 

[James]

PROOF THAT MEN are Sensitive Creatures

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him..

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his hot cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of
the day we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out today.'

 

[jackson409]

JOKE OF THE YEAR

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.​

 

[rezrider]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had "$100" in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna

 

[CDA]

THE FART
A fart is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud

A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......

A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, and deadly.

A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......

A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces .
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of
Us sooner or later.

But farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget.......
Sweet old farts like you!

Kinda brings a tear to your eye - right?

 

[CDA]

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Mam," said a voice, "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."