The Official Jokes Thread

James

James

Staff member
The Best Shut-Up Line Ever

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.






Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

It is a portion of an ABCradio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?



The radiocastwent silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
 
530ktm

530ktm

I have not heard of the Obama Farewell Speech movie but am ready to see it. :prof:
James:
Be honest and don't look at the movie list below till you have
done the math! --Ok, just humor me and do it!

Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This
amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 movies you would
enjoy the most. it really works!

> Movie Test:
>
> Pick a number from 1-9.
>
> Multiply by 3.
>
> Add 3.
>
> Multiply by 3 again.
>
> Now add the two digits of your answer together to find your
> predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.
>
> .
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
> .
>
>
>
>
> Movie List:
>
> 1. Gone With The Wind
>
> 2. E.T.
>
> 3. Blazing Saddles
>
> 4. Star Wars
>
> 5. Forrest Gump
>
> 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
>
> 7. Jaws
>
> 8. Grease
>
> 9. The Obama farewell speech of 2012
>
> 10. Casablanca
>
> 11. Jurassic Park
>
> 12. Shrek
>
> 13. Pirates of the Caribbean
>
> 14. Titanic
>
> 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
>
> 16. Home Alone
>
> 17. Mrs. Doubtfire
>
> 18. Toy Story
>
> Now, aint that something!
Click to expand...
 
James

James

Staff member
Rum & Coke


A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust.....

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
 
Chokey

Chokey

I find real-life humor to be the best. Following that theme, this is a real obituary. I have deleted the names out of respect for the family:

******** **********

Mr. ******** ********, age 78 of Rome, passed away at home surrounded by the love of his family on September 6, 2010. Mr. ******** was born November 21, 1931 in Punxsutawney Pennsylvania son of the late ******** *** ********. He is survived by his devoted wife, ******** ********; daughters, ******** ******** of Rome, ******** ******** and her husband ******** of Adairsville and ******** ******** and her husband ******** of Rome; son, ******** ******** and his wife ********* of Rome;

Mr. ******** was a veteran of the United States Air Force where he served at Kessler Air Force Base. He was a Rome City Police officer and later became Safety Director of the Floyd County Police Department. He owned and operated Rome Driver's Training School and also started drivers training programs for Darlington, Thornwood and Rome City Schools. He owned and operated Carter's Hardware and Auto Parts for 35 years. He attended The University of Georgia and the Carol School of Business. Mr. ******** will always be remembered for his generosity and his willingness to help needy families and friends.

A memorial service was held Friday, Sept. 10, 2010 at 1 PM in the Thomas B. Griffin Memorial Chapel of Daniel's Funeral Home with Rev. Bert Brooks officiating. The family received friends Thursday from 6 PM until 8 PM. At other hours the family may be contacted at the residence.

The family respectfully asked in lieu of flowers that memorial contributions be made to the American Cancer Society or to the campaign of whoever is running against President Barack Obama in 2012.
 
rezrider

rezrider

Not really a joke but humorous none the less...

Drafting Guys and Girls Over 60








(Obviously written by a Former Soldier)

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'. We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s.o.b.

If captured, we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years, as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.


Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol...They will have it secured the first night!
 
payloan

payloan

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee

machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells

nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a

Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment

grievance against him.



The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's sexually

threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"



The woman replies, "Its Keith. The midget."
 
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