The Official Jokes Thread
- Thread starter James
- Start date
This aint really a joke, just something I found on Wikipedia.
Since 1987, red wolves (Canis rufus rufus) have been released into northeastern North Carolina and to date roam 560,000+ acres that includes three national wildlife refuges, a U.S. Air Force bombing range, and approximately 200,000 acres of private land.
I wonder why they are endangered?
Since 1987, red wolves (Canis rufus rufus) have been released into northeastern North Carolina and to date roam 560,000+ acres that includes three national wildlife refuges, a U.S. Air Force bombing range, and approximately 200,000 acres of private land.
I wonder why they are endangered?
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."
As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.
Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."
As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.
Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
That is a funny one.
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."
As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.
Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is molasses."
OK, not a joke but a funny none-the-less...I was watching teh new show on TV called Breaking in with Christian Slater...gotta watch it all the way thru so it makes sense but still not the best show...I did however hear a funny line the chick said...went something like this..."Let's go drinking but NO SHOTS..I get all ALCAHORNY when I drink shots"......I thought thatwas pretty funny.
...I thought thatwas pretty funny.
James
Staff member
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, ‘cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, ‘cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the Divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
Good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers..."We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkins shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, & some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ." "Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25 pound king crabs & 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, & we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
James
Staff member
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'
she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week
and I'll light a fertility candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...' They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'
So, I take my family to an old west "dude ranch" where they do as much as possible like they did back in the wild west days...they had a saloon, wore period time clothes, we slept in a bunk house, cooked over a campfire, that kind of stuff. I happen to be watching a blacksmith making horseshoes one day when a real "greenhorn" (from NY) walked by, he stopped and stood there watching Smitty hammer the piece of metal into shape...he'd bang away on it, stick it in the fire, heat it up, to soften it a little, hammer on it, repeat the process several times before he stuck it into the water to cool when he was done. Just as he did that the greenhorn reached for it when Smitty told him "partener, that's pretty hot, ya might want to let it cool off a little more"...the greenhorn shrugged his shoulders and grabbed it anyways....as soon as he grabbed it he dropped it back in the bucket...ol Smitty yells over to him and says "hot aint it"...the greehorn replies "naw, it just don't take me all day to look at a horseshoe".
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried gra s s. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried gra s s. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is 4 little animals." The teacher asked, "And what 4 little animals would that be Sugar?" The little girl said, "a mink on my back","a Jaguar in my garage," "a tiger in my bed," "And, a Jackass to pay for it all."