The Official Jokes Thread

bobkyle2

bobkyle2

Windows vs Ford



For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,



'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'



In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:



If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):



1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ..........Twice a day.



2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.



3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.



6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.



I love the next one!!!



7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.



8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.



9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.



PS - I 'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
 
Rack

Rack

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello!"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the
new the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking
to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the
market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if
it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

​
 
rezrider

rezrider

KTMRack:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club when a cellular phone
on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello!"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the
new the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking
to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the
market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if
it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

​
Click to expand...

Excellent my boy.........excellent!
 
payloan

payloan

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
Inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings herto her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

​



U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS


AFRICAN IMMIGRANT


AND STEALSHIS LUNCH

​


That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days​
 
LeadHead

LeadHead

"Shaggy, you Scoob and Velma go downstairs and check out the basement; Daphne and I will go upstairs and check out the bedroom". Freddy, you magnificent bastard.

What's the biggest difference between men and women? What they mean when they say, "I got through a whole box of tissues watching that film."

Sex is like poker...if you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

When I die, my last words are going to be, "I left 10 thousand under the..."

A drunk runs out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying a grandfather clock. He drops it and it shatters into a million pieces. The man said, "why dont you watch where you are going?" And the drunk said, "why dont you wear a wristwatch like everyone else?"

What happens when a politician takes Viagra? He gets taller.
 
James

James

Staff member
EAR HAIR
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
 
rezrider

rezrider

James:
EAR HAIR
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
Click to expand...

My mom actually told me that joke yeeeeeears ago...still funny though! :lol:
 
rezrider

rezrider

A blind man applies for a job at the local lumber yard as a wood/lumber grader...when the manager in charge came to interview him he asked the man how he thoght he'd be able to grade a piece of lumber if he couldn't see it. The man replied..my sense of smell is so sensetive I'll bet I could identify ANY piece of wood you place under my nose. With that challenge the manager whispered to his yard man to go get........when he came back, he stuck it under the mans nose..the man says THAT is easy, that's Georgia pine, where I grew up he says with a huge grin...the manager says "blind luck", whispered again to the yard man, he shows up with another piece, waves IT under the mans nose, he smells it, sniffs again and says ahhh good ol' Hickory right out of the hils of Tennessee...the manager becoming a little edgy tells his yard man to bring out big fat smelly Helga from the back office...the manager tells her to bend over in front of the man to see if he's really blind or is as good as he says..Helge spreads her legs, bends over RIGHT IN FRONT of the man...the blind man takes a big long wiff pulls his head away and says ahh hell what are you trying to pull on me???? That there's a shit-house door off a tuna boat...when do I start?
 
CDA

CDA

Turpentine vs. Holy Water

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up watching all the bubbles.
A priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'
The priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly she will pass a healthy baby.'
The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's behind and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'..
 
James

James

Staff member
Best speeding excuse ever!

When asked by a young patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding?"
This 83-year-old woman gave the young officer an ear to ear smile and stated:
"Yes , but .... I had to get there before I forgot where I was going."
The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.
Makes perfectly good sense to me.
 
James

James

Staff member
What Is Butt Dust??

What, you ask, is 'Butt dust'? Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3)
was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister... After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
MELANIE (age 5)
asked her Granny how old she was.. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
STEVEN (age 3)
hugged and kissed his Mom good night 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'
BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough..'
DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'
JAMES (age 4)was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget...


This particular Sunday sermon....'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Make sure you pass this one on and spread the smiles...
 
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