The Official Jokes Thread

[snowflake]

JOHN HINKLEY'S RELEASE

Nancy Reagan regarding John Hinckley's release: We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:



To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man. Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

 

[Rack]

JOHN HINKLEY'S RELEASE

Nancy Reagan regarding John Hinckley's release: We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:



To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man. Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

 

[Mihylo33]

JOHN HINKLEY'S RELEASE

Nancy Reagan regarding John Hinckley's release: We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:



To: John Hinckley

From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man. Best wishes, Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

 

[CDA]

A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End

 

[timoyz]

A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”
The Princess said “NO!”
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The End

James needs to come up with a "I really, really, really like this", button.

 

[530ktm]

Back in the old days a fighting ship was out on the high seas. The look out yelled down to the captain that there was an enemy ship approaching, so the captain yelled for his cabin boy to bring him his red shirt. They had a huge fight for hours and finally sank the enemy ship when one of the crew asked the captain why he wanted to have a red shirt for the battle. The captain said it was so if he were wounded in battle the crew would not see the blood therefor keeping them all able to fight and not be concerned. A couple of days later the look out yelled down to the captain that there are 20 enemy ships approaching. The captain yelled for his cabin boy to bring him his brown pants.

 

[James]

Can't remember if I've posted this already or not.....

 

[CDA]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...


Some things you just can't explain."

 

[Rack]

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left."
"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."
"And then?" "Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...


Some things you just can't explain."

Sounds like the perfect day for CDA on the ranch.

 

[justincr250]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD​

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.​

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

​

[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet.[That made his day!][/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] ;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Thoughtfully yours,[/FONT]

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[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Alex[/FONT]

Is this really a true story

 

[James]

Is this really a true story

Do you want it to be?


I'd venture to say that no it isn't, or at least most of it isn't.

 

[justincr250]

Do you want it to be?


I'd venture to say that no it isn't, or at least most of it isn't.

I think if it was true they guy deserved what he got

 

[Travace]

who cares if its true or not.. take it for the entertainment value that it is.

 

[rezrider]

who cares if its true or not.. take it for the entertainment value that it is.

Entertaining...ABSOLUTELY, If it isn't real too bad, if it was real hoorah for the good guy...I loved it ... "walkign with that brown sludge in your pants..."

 

[530ktm]

Seen this before. I like it and I hope it is true. I hope he had on his brown pants.