The Official Jokes Thread

[Rack]

This is straight forward country thinking...
Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim
3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim
10. Your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim
11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
You may be a Muslim

 

[Sun]

 

[rezrider]

OK, so these aren't jokes but some are pretty funny

Gifts for REAL men!

 

[timoyz]

OK, so these aren't jokes but some are pretty funny

Gifts for REAL men!

Pictures aren't showing up for me. Was this a email by chance?

 

[rezrider]

Pictures aren't showing up for me. Was this a email by chance?

.. yeah, copy and paste = FAIL ya see, I just aint cut out for this shizzle! ...........

 

[PALMER84ONE]

.. yeah, copy and paste = FAIL ya see, I just aint cut out for this shizzle! ...........

Ass was here!

 

[James]

Foreign NObama Cartoons

Got this email today.


Foreign NObama Cartoons
It's funny how those overseas can see things idiot Americans can't see with it right in front of
them....

These Foreign Cartoons Say A Lot....As published in foreign newspapers. When you recognize that these cartoons are being published around the world, is it any wonder America is considered to be a JOKE.

 

[Rack]

"News!!!!"

To save the economy, on December 30, 2011, Congress will order the immigration
department to start deporting retired people instead of illegals in order to
lower Social Security and Medicare costs. We are easier to catch, and
will not remember how to get back home!

See you on the bus.

I wonder where we're going?

 

[rezrider]

Got this email today.


Foreign NObama Cartoons
It's funny how those overseas can see things idiot Americans can't see with it right in front of
them....

These Foreign Cartoons Say A Lot....As published in foreign newspapers. When you recognize that these cartoons are being published around the world, is it any wonder America is considered to be a JOKE.

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Also known as The Obama-nation

 

[James]

"News!!!!"

To save the economy, on December 30, 2011, Congress will order the immigration
department to start deporting retired people instead of illegals in order to
lower Social Security and Medicare costs. We are easier to catch, and
will not remember how to get back home!

See you on the bus.

I wonder where we're going?

Just got something similar.

New Immigration Policy

To save the economy, Prime Minister Harper will announce, Dec 1, 2011, that he is ordering the
immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Canada Pension,
Old Age Security, and Medical costs.

They found that old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home! I started crying
when I thought of you.

See you on the bus. I'll bring the snacks.

Also known as The Obama-nation

Don't you mean "an" Obam'ination?

 

[snowflake]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

 

[Mihylo33]

roflmao!

 

[rezrider]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!!

Quinton Terrentino (sp?) told this story (diffrent version) in the movie Desperado ... "I'll piss on the bar, on the floor, on the cash registar and even on YOU and you'd laugh about it!" ......

 

[TIRE]

 

[josmoloco]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100..00.
When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA,
they decided to send it to President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
He thought this would appear to
be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted
with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note
to God, which read:
Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money.However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, D.C. and those
assholes took $95.