The Official Jokes Thread
- Thread starter James
- Start date
A wonderful and rather touching Christmas Story.
>
> A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
>
> The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?
>
> Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.
>
> Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.
>
> Husband: Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.
>
> A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".
>
> The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?
>
> Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelery shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.
>
> Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.
>
> Husband: Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop.
Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, 'Oh shit!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable
at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger
of the other hand.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
TROUBLE LIGHT: Tool used to light up areas hard to see in
mostly used by mechanics under and inside vehicles. Will usually fall off object
it is hung on burning any part of the body it lands on. Able to destroy a automobile
interior burning holes in seats and carpet instantly. Also always points directly into
eye’s causing numerous bulb replacements after being slammed to the ground
in frustration.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you
grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the
top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will
need.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, 'Oh shit!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing
race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of
the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out
Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit. It is especially valuable
at being able to find the EXACT location of the thumb or index finger
of the other hand.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
TROUBLE LIGHT: Tool used to light up areas hard to see in
mostly used by mechanics under and inside vehicles. Will usually fall off object
it is hung on burning any part of the body it lands on. Able to destroy a automobile
interior burning holes in seats and carpet instantly. Also always points directly into
eye’s causing numerous bulb replacements after being slammed to the ground
in frustration.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you
grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the
top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will
need.
Not many people will know this is you are less than 40 years old, but if you are, you will not be able to keep a straight face!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPGb4STRfKw&feature=related
Do it full screen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPGb4STRfKw&feature=related
Do it full screen.
We still use one liners from Life of Brian, Holy Grail, and Flying Circus in the family today.Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Nov. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also, Dec. 1st, 4th, 6th, twice on the 10th &11th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Nov. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also, Dec. 1st, 4th, 6th, twice on the 10th &11th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
