The Official Jokes Thread
- Thread starter James
- Start date
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1- These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened aNew Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1- These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened aNew Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Excellent.....
James
Staff member
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp
......h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
......h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
I might have already jotted this one down but it deserves a RE-DO...
There was a young lad sitting on the corner one day out front of the neighborhood church. The Pastor fo the church happened to see him sitting there and decided to go say hi. When he approached the boy he noticed the boy had a bottle of clear liquid and was shaking it violently then stops and watches the bubbles. The Pastor asks the boy "well son, what's that you have in the jar that makes you look at it like that"? The boy responds, "terpentine father... I like watching the bubbles float around". "Well then the pastor said, you shouldn't be playing with that it could be dangerous, how about some Holy water instead?"... the boy stops, looks at him and askes, "what makes that so special?" The pastor responds, "well son, if you were to rub a little bit of this on a pregnant womans belly she'll pass a fine healthy baby"... the boy turns back around thinks about it then shakes the jar and stares at the bubbles then says "Ahhhhh that's nothing father, rub a little of this on a cats ass and he'll pass a car"!!!!!
True story!
There was a young lad sitting on the corner one day out front of the neighborhood church. The Pastor fo the church happened to see him sitting there and decided to go say hi. When he approached the boy he noticed the boy had a bottle of clear liquid and was shaking it violently then stops and watches the bubbles. The Pastor asks the boy "well son, what's that you have in the jar that makes you look at it like that"? The boy responds, "terpentine father... I like watching the bubbles float around". "Well then the pastor said, you shouldn't be playing with that it could be dangerous, how about some Holy water instead?"... the boy stops, looks at him and askes, "what makes that so special?" The pastor responds, "well son, if you were to rub a little bit of this on a pregnant womans belly she'll pass a fine healthy baby"... the boy turns back around thinks about it then shakes the jar and stares at the bubbles then says "Ahhhhh that's nothing father, rub a little of this on a cats ass and he'll pass a car"!!!!!
True story!
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna in creaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say
so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did
my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora......., the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna in creaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say
so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did
my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora......., the gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
James
Staff member
Damn you're right.I thought this was the joke thread? those are true not jokes
James
Staff member
Not really a joke, just a post from facebook. 
I'm liking this dad.
A teenage boy in skinny jeans and his dad stopped at the end of the zip line I was working last night and the kid goes:
"I think I split my pants on that one"
Then the dad says:
"Yeah you did, you got them gay ass fag jeans on."
I'm liking this dad.A teenage boy in skinny jeans and his dad stopped at the end of the zip line I was working last night and the kid goes:
"I think I split my pants on that one"
Then the dad says:
"Yeah you did, you got them gay ass fag jeans on."
James
Staff member
Master Card Wedding
You got to love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at ClemsonUniversity. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000
Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodation in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy,
for everything else there's MASTERCARD
A Mastercard Wedding
'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches,it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......'
You got to love this guy...
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at ClemsonUniversity. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he
turned to the best man and said, 'F---you!' Then he turned to his bride and said, 'F--- you!'
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, 'I'm outta here.'
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300-guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard 'priceless' commercial out of this?
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends: $32,000
Wedding photographs commemorating the
Occasion: $3,000
Deluxe two-week honeymoon accommodation in Maui: $8,500.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man: Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy,
for everything else there's MASTERCARD
A Mastercard Wedding
'Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches,it's more like a jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow......'