The Official Jokes Thread
- Thread starter James
- Start date
I need to borrow a sock please.
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
"Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me
it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband
replies.
I stopped...
'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw."
"Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me
it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband
replies.
I stopped...
'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your ass, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw."
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that gay s#$t in our garden' she said.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well, we're not having any of that gay s#$t in our garden' she said.
Two rednecks decided that they wern't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went
to see a professor who suggested him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" he asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do" he answered.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard?" replied the professor.
"That's real good" answered the redneck.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin!!"
"And since you own a house, logic tells me that you have a wife?"
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" he shouts.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are a hetrosexual," says the professor.
"Dang, you're right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take that there logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world about to open up to him walks back into the hallway, where his friend is waiting.
"So, what classes ya'all takin?" his buddy asks him.
"Math, history, and logic," he answers.
"What in tarnation is logic?" his buddy asks.
"Let me give ya an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"
"No," his buddy answers.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went
to see a professor who suggested him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" he asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"
"I sure do" he answered.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard?" replied the professor.
"That's real good" answered the redneck.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "Amazin!!"
"And since you own a house, logic tells me that you have a wife?"
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" he shouts.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are a hetrosexual," says the professor.
"Dang, you're right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take that there logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world about to open up to him walks back into the hallway, where his friend is waiting.
"So, what classes ya'all takin?" his buddy asks him.
"Math, history, and logic," he answers.
"What in tarnation is logic?" his buddy asks.
"Let me give ya an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"
"No," his buddy answers.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster..
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown. "Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster..
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown. "Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."
Blondes & Brunettes Bus Trip
The Bus Ride
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of
all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana . The
Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top
level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it
up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything
from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all
the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in
front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, "What the heck's going on
up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed
hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
Smile, it will make your day go faster.
The Bus Ride
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of
all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana . The
Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top
level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it
up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything
from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all
the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in
front of them with white knuckles. the brunette asked, "What the heck's going on
up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed
hard and whispered... "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
Smile, it will make your day go faster.
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the hell out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago...'
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...
Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the hell out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple of minutes ago...'
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind and today I got a call
from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still
hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde it doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid!
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloooo....."it's been a year!" I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up. He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
double-pane energy efficient kind and today I got a call
from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still
hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo...........just because I'm blonde it doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid!
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloooo....."it's been a year!" I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up. He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers. ;
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers. ;
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it...
How to wash a toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
How to wash a toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ....
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to
him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive
than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, ... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the
Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
I SAID ...
"BRING POSSE"
by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" ....
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,
YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to
him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears
over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive
than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, ... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to
the
Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone,
the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
Looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully !!!!
FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
I SAID ...
"BRING POSSE"
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As
She neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm very sorry, but they turned me down.'
She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As
She neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm very sorry, but they turned me down.'
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
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when the **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** hits the fan.
You can give a **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** or serve **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** or be happier than a pig in **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**.
Some days are colder than **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, some days are hotter than **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, and
some days are just plain **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**ty.
Some music sounds like **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, things can look like **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, and there
are times when you feel like **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**.
You can have too much **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, not enough **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, the right **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, the
wrong **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** or a lot of weird **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**.
You can carry **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, have a mountain of **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, or find yourself up
**BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** and other times you
fall in a bucket of **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building
block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, you don't need to know
anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**; or not do so if you
don't give a **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**!
Well, **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I
do give a **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**. But,
if you happened to catch a load of **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** from some **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME**-head...........
Well, **BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME****BAN ME** Happens!!!