The Official Jokes Thread

[Peezy]

Marriage Humour ……….





Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'


Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet... Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[Peezy]

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said , "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."

Now you know why there is a tear in my eye.

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

 

[Peezy]

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated.

'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'

The pastor replied, 'that’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered $10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed, your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?

'He is a veterinarian, she answered.

'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, the pastor said.
'Where does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, in Nevada, he has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.

 

[Peezy]

DONT FORGET ABOUT SATURDAY!
Mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male
to see any woman other than his wife naked.
must commit suicide if he does.

So Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, & to demonstrate they think it’s okay to see nude women other than their wives, & to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment. The American gov’t appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists & applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America!

 

[Peezy]

This one is priceless! A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!!!
Wrong Email Address




A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent
their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the Floor and saw the computer screen which read:


To: My Loving Wife;
Subject: I've Arrived.

Date: February 11, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow..
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S.
Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

[jackson409]

A young man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.." I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.


The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!




The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

[James]

Man calls the police.

Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes."
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.


The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

 

[Peezy]

Man calls the police.

Hello, is this the Police?"
"Yes."
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Police descend on Billy’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy and left.


The phone rings at Billy's house: "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the Police come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

I think this might just work!

 

[rezrider]

I think this might just work!

I'm thinking BUCKRUN's done this before..... ... huh, where is he??????

 

[redswr]

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a
bitch?"

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son
of a bitch."

Girl : "Then he touched my breast."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her
clothes)

Girl : "Yes father."

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into
my you know where."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know
what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES
FATHER!!!"

(after a few minutes)

Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a
bitch."

Girl : "But father,he had AIDS!"

Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

 

[Rack]

Nothing like a Ford Truck.
New Truck built by a company we didn't bail out.

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'
Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States

Damn I love this truck

 

[Rack]

This about sums it up.

A Manitoulin Island Indian picks up a hooker off the streets of Sudbury .
'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.


'$100,' she replies.


He says 'You do Indian style?'


'No' she says.


'I pay you $200 do it Indian style'


'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.


'I pay you $300'


'No', she says.


'I pay you $400'


'No', she says.


So finally he says,
'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style..'


She thinks,
'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every
part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?'


So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in
every kind of way and in every possible position.


Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and
disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style?'


The Indian replies 'you send bill to government

 

[rezrider]

This about sums it up.

A Manitoulin Island Indian picks up a hooker off the streets of Sudbury .
'How much you charge for hour, sister?' he asks.


'$100,' she replies.


He says 'You do Indian style?'


'No' she says.


'I pay you $200 do it Indian style'


'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.


'I pay you $300'


'No', she says.


'I pay you $400'


'No', she says.


So finally he says,
'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style..'


She thinks,
'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdos from every
part of the world. How bad could Indian Style be?'


So she agrees and has sex with him.They do it in
every kind of way and in every possible position.


Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and
disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style?'


The Indian replies 'you send bill to government

 

[CDA]

Every day, a male employee walks up close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.


After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.



She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.



The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"



"It's Frank . . . the dwarf."

 

[rezrider]

Every day, a male employee walks up close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.


After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.



She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.



The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"



"It's Frank . . . the dwarf."

... OK hold on.... let me be frank for a moment!