The Official Jokes Thread
- Thread starter James
- Start date
.............. 
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct.
The salesman seemed like a nice guy, (a black man wearing an Obama "change"lapel pin) he sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership. Sum-bitch had no sense of humor.
Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct.
The salesman seemed like a nice guy, (a black man wearing an Obama "change"lapel pin) he sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership. Sum-bitch had no sense of humor.
Did I tell you how I met turd sniffer?
He walked into a bar and asked for ten shots of whiskey, sat and gunned one after the other. I said hey, what's the occasion, he said first blow job, I congratulated him and said let me buy you a couple more. He said thanks, but if that doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will.
I am here all week, try the veal.
He walked into a bar and asked for ten shots of whiskey, sat and gunned one after the other. I said hey, what's the occasion, he said first blow job, I congratulated him and said let me buy you a couple more. He said thanks, but if that doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will.
I am here all week, try the veal.
A 80yo man goes to confession and the priest says good afternoon my son what is your sin, the elderly man says he is having an affair with a young beautiful woman. The priest says oh dear, and what is your name? The elderly man says my name is Goldstien, the priest says that sounds Jewish, why are you at a Catholic Church confessing your sins, the elderly man explains that he had already told his Rabi but he is so excited that he thought he would tell everyone.
got a good laugh at this
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/c...only_3_words_how_much_can_you_make_me_cringe/
http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/c...only_3_words_how_much_can_you_make_me_cringe/
James
Staff member
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.
Sent: 10/30/2013 1:59:42 P.M. Mountain Daylight Time
Subj: USMC Foxhole Decision Time
President Obama signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in
the Military.
No more don't ask don't tell. But what he has really done is cause
confusion in the ranks that could easily cost Marine lives. This is
what can now happen!
You know that Marines are trained to immediately obey orders. So just
imagine
You're a Marine in a combat situation. An enemy soldier is firing at
you, and running toward your position. The guy next to you is openly
gay. Then your Squad Leader yells out "Shoot the cocksucker!" Do you
see the confusion here?
Subj: USMC Foxhole Decision Time
President Obama signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in
the Military.
No more don't ask don't tell. But what he has really done is cause
confusion in the ranks that could easily cost Marine lives. This is
what can now happen!
You know that Marines are trained to immediately obey orders. So just
imagine
You're a Marine in a combat situation. An enemy soldier is firing at
you, and running toward your position. The guy next to you is openly
gay. Then your Squad Leader yells out "Shoot the cocksucker!" Do you
see the confusion here?
Therse aren't jokes but worth the read... My wife found these while suring the net looking for "Laws still on the books". (or something to that effect)
Can't remember some of the states these are in but still funny.
Missouri - It is illegal to PARK YOUR DONKEY in the bathtub!!!
Michagan - It is illegal to tie your alligator to a fire hydrant!!!
Missouri - It is illegal to drive your car with a caged bear inside!!!
California - It is illegal to bring a fish into a bar!!!
Arizona - You must tie your horse up in the lobby, it is illegal to ride it up the stairs!!!
Minnesota - It is illegal to drive across the state line with a duck on your head!!!
Wisconsin - It is illegal to drive across the state line with a chicken on your head!!!
State ? - It is illegal to tie your giraffe to a light post!!!
State ? - It is illegal to break the law... WTF?????
State? - If you were to commit suicide but fail, you can be hung for trying!!! Either way you'rea winner!!!
State? - If you are being robbed you are required by law to have the same type weapon as the robber!!! Excuse me, what make and caliber is that? you say a 22? OK, let me put away my S & W 357 and get the appropriate gun! Got it, carry on!
State ? - It is illegal for mountain lions to mate within 100 yards from a school!!! Seriously, whatcha gonna do bout it???
there's more but this is it for now.....
The best for last
State ? - It is illegal to put a stick into a mountain goats ass!!!
So when you think about it.. kind of like OSHA, the reason for the STUPID warnings on products is be cause SOMEBODY did it... the same must go here...
Can't remember some of the states these are in but still funny.
Missouri - It is illegal to PARK YOUR DONKEY in the bathtub!!!
Michagan - It is illegal to tie your alligator to a fire hydrant!!!
Missouri - It is illegal to drive your car with a caged bear inside!!!
California - It is illegal to bring a fish into a bar!!!
Arizona - You must tie your horse up in the lobby, it is illegal to ride it up the stairs!!!
Minnesota - It is illegal to drive across the state line with a duck on your head!!!
Wisconsin - It is illegal to drive across the state line with a chicken on your head!!!
State ? - It is illegal to tie your giraffe to a light post!!!
State ? - It is illegal to break the law... WTF?????
State? - If you were to commit suicide but fail, you can be hung for trying!!! Either way you'rea winner!!!
State? - If you are being robbed you are required by law to have the same type weapon as the robber!!! Excuse me, what make and caliber is that? you say a 22? OK, let me put away my S & W 357 and get the appropriate gun! Got it, carry on!
State ? - It is illegal for mountain lions to mate within 100 yards from a school!!! Seriously, whatcha gonna do bout it???
there's more but this is it for now.....
The best for last
State ? - It is illegal to put a stick into a mountain goats ass!!!
So when you think about it.. kind of like OSHA, the reason for the STUPID warnings on products is be cause SOMEBODY did it... the same must go here...
James
Staff member
James
Staff member
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart
Dear Mrs. Woolf,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.