The Official Jokes Thread

[jackson409]

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you$25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that
There was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the RoyalBank of Canada !'

 

[Mihylo33]

 

[Rack]

Subject: Medicare part G


Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan




Say you're an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of
yourself. The government says there's no Nursing Home care available for
you.
So, what do you do? You opt for Part G.

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun (Part G) and four bullets.
You are allowed to shoot four politicians. This means, of course, that
you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof
over
your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all
the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses?
That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex
change,
or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as
they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just
told you they can't afford for you to go into a home. And....you can get
rid
of 4 useless politicians while you're at it. And now, because you're a
prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?

Now that we've solved your senior financial planning, enjoy your week
.....

 

[Rack]

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $70,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

He said "No!,” trying to hide his arousal

She said ..... "Check the garage."

 

[Rack]

FOX News reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White” has been canceled. All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because they say it offends black prostitutes.. They also say they damn sure have no intention of singing, "It's off to work we go."

 

[2strokesteve89]

FOX News reported today that Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black," the African-American version of "Snow White” has been canceled. All of the 7
dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger,
Forger, Drive By, Homeboy, and Shank
have refused to sing "Hi Ho" because
they say it offends black prostitutes..
They also say they damn sure have no
intention of singing, "It's off to work
we go."

And it would only be Fox news reporting that also

 

[James]

 

[jimsowen]

Little jonny was in class one day doing simple subtraction, the teacher says, " If there are 3 birds on a powerline, a farmer shoots 1of them, how many birds are left?" Little jonny says "none miss cause 1 will be dead the other 2 will fly away."
The teacher says "no, 3 birds, minus 1 bird = 2 birds, but I like the way your thinking.
Little jonny asks the teacher a question, " There are three ladies at a bus stop, they all have icecreams, 1 is biting her ice cream, 1 is licking her icecream and 1 is sucking her icecream, which is the married one."
The teacher replies reluctantly " I surpose the 1 sucking her icecream"
Little jonny replies " No, the 1 with the wedding ring , But I like the way Your thinking."

 

[2strokesteve89]

 

[jimsowen]

A duck walks in to a hardware store and asks the attendant" Do you sell duck food." The attendant replies " This is a hardware store we never have or never will sell duck food here.
This goes on for a few days every morning the duck comes in asking for food and the attendant explaining that they dont sell duck food there, untill one day he looses his sh*t and tells the duck that if he comes in and asks for duck food one more time he will nail his bloody feet to the floor and slap him silly.
So the next day in comes the duck walks up to the countet with a smile on his beak and says,
"Hey mate, you got any nails ?" "No were fresh out just sold the last packet" says the attendant.
Well do you have any Duck Food.......

 

[jimsowen]

[QUOT="Rack, post: 162607, member: 4"]Stuttering Cat- as explained by a 4th Grade student.

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some children's stories could become, asked a girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back and went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!' But before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.[/QUOTE]
That Is a pisser, great joke.

 

[Rack]

http://youtu.be/t2xip4bH2fg

 

[jimsowen]

[QUOTE: 6619, member: 2"]The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very

excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then

give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she

said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil

spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone

that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn (you remember him don't cha?).

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full

of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough

tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a

Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for

free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your

mouth."[/QUOTE]
Little jonny was I

A woman telling her doctor that the reason she's over weight is becasue she has metal fillings in her mouth and has quite an assortment of magnets on her refridgerator that keep pulling her towards it...

A woman tells the waitor that she would like to have "broiled chicken breats, green beans and a baked potato with nothing on it....but to bring her an order of lasagna and garlic bread and anti pasta salad by mistake.

A bloke walks in to a servo and asks the attendent for a kitkat chunky. The attendant obliges and gives him the kitkat chunky. The bloke replies " No I want a normal kitkat you fat bitch"

 

[jimsowen]

A hot blonde goes into a pet shop to try and get a very exotic pet. She shops for hours, and finally finds a box of frogs labeled "Oral Sex Frogs". She purchases one, and is told by the pet store staff to carefully read the instructions when she gets home, and to call if there are any problems.

She gets home, and the instructions say:
1. take a shower
2. Carefully put on makeup and perfume
3. Pick out a revealing dress and your cutest shoes
4. Put on jewelry
5. Lie down on the bed, and place the frog beside you

She does all this, and nothing happens, so she calls the pet store. In a few minutes, the pet store staff member arrives at her home. He goes into her bedroom and carefully cradles the frog in both hands, bringing it up to eye level. He then says "OK, I'm going to show you how to do this, one more time!

A bloke walks in to a pet store, on the counter is a tank labled " mexican headjob frogs" $5.00 each. The bloke says to the attendant "whats the go with these frogs"

The attendant say " grab one take it out back for a test run it will be the best blow job of your life"
So the bloke goes out back has a go, and sure enough it Was the best gobbie he has ever had.
He says he will take two as there so efective.

When the bloke gets home his wife is sitting at the kitchen table, he walks in and places the two frogs in front of her on the table. The wife looks at the husband and exclaims " what do you want me to do with these".

The husband says " Teach these two to cook and clean then get the fuck out"

 

[jimsowen]

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