The Official Jokes Thread

[Rack]

Stuttering Cat- as explained by a 4th Grade student.

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some children's stories could become, asked a girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must have been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back and went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!' But before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[Rack]

This is such a heartwarming story
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

 

[rezrider]

It was also known that Humans were thought to be the only animals to have a "hair lip" deformity. This isn't the case... cows cand dogs can also suffer from this defect.

A hair lip cow would sound like this.......... Mooooooffffff

A hair lip dog would make this sound........... Mark mark... mark


Now I know that most if not all of you tried makign these sounds....

 

[PALMER84ONE]

Let's Piss Off Everyone
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost overIowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket, stupid!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair?Fijiwas the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

 

[Rack]

Let's Piss Off Everyone
I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

Man in a hot air balloon is lost overIowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket, stupid!

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair?Fijiwas the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Pure Palmer right there.

 

[rezrider]

May be a repeat but just thought of it again.

A guy with a hairlip goes into a bar one day and orders a beer, bartender says "that'll be $5", the patron says "5 dollars my god, isn't that a little high?" but continues to drink the beer so the bartender goes on with his business. The patron asks if he had any peanuts... bartender says "sure, that'll be $3"... patron AGAIN yells out, 3 dollars don't you think THAT is a little high?" shaking his head in disbelief but he opens the bag and begins to eat the nuts anyways. A lttile while later the patron orders another beer and when the bartender serves it he says "I just want to let you know how much I appreciate you not making fun of me with my hairlip", the barkeep looks at him, smiles and says "sir, I understand what you go thru... I too want to thank YOU for not making fun of my hunched-back"... the patron shouts with surprise "HUNCH BACK, holly shit, I thought that was your ass since everything else was so high in here."!!!

True story.....

 

[PALMER84ONE]

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Chatswood, Sydney, Australia. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

 

[Rack]

Scottish Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'Ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No."

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

 

[rezrider]

Scottish Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'Ave ya ever been fucked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No."

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

What was his name???


Sandy???
Bob???

 

[PALMER84ONE]

What was his name???


Sandy???
Bob???

No arms, no legs, sitting on a blanket..
Mat...

 

[Rack]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.

Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.
I promise you, I give you anyting you want.

'I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her. 'You want ... garlic chicken wif snow peas?'

 

[jackson409]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ’Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Shoulda bought a hat!!!!!

 

[Peezy]

 

[CDA]

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, Find me the finest girlfriend, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while having sex with her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson...

"And how about you, Sarah?"

Sarah: "I wanna be Johnny's Girlfriend."

 

[530ktm]

Me too.