The Official Jokes Thread

[CDA]

Department of Motor Vehicles:

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local Department of Motor Vehicles was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

 

[CDA]

Seven Kinds Of Sex .....

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say .... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called .... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ..... But not least ...
The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

 

[CDA]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner..

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'

 

[CDA]

A whorehouse gets busted.

The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is
Going down the line giving them all tickets.

A little old lady comes
Walking up to the girl at the end of the line and says, "What're ya all
Doin here in line like this?"

The girl is annoyed, so to be a
Smart-ass, she says, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops."


The little old lady says, "Oh, that's nice. I didn't have one in so
Long, I think I'll get in line here with ya."

So she gets in line, and a
Few minutes later the cop gets to this little, shriveled-up old lady.
He says, "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?"

She looks him right
In the eye and says, "As long as they keep makin' 'em, I'm gonna keep
Suckin on 'em.

 

[CDA]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gotta love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

 

[rezrider]

@ jackson rofflmfao

^^^^^^^^^^^ what he said...funny azzzz shiiiite

 

[rezrider]

TRUE STORY..........when i was working at the dealer ship I closed every Saturday night anywhere between 7-9 pm...It was a holiday weekend (don't know which one, doesn't matter), my wife calls me around 5 and says, I'm going to Stacy and Nola's (friends of ours) for a while, want to meet me there...first...there is no "for a while" when it comes to Stacy and Nola's they know how to party just give them a reason....I said HECK YEAH!!!...made sure I closed up as early as possible...7 sharp! Turned out onto the main road and saw a sobriety check point right the frick in front of me...not worried about my condition just the long line of cars hindering my ability to GO DRINK A FEW COLD ONES...maybe I'd see them later...HAH! I finally get to the first officer, she leans into the passenger window and says. make sure to have my license and reg ready....NO PROBLEM. I get up to the Deputy checking drivers...NOW...picture this..... he's an older black man, about my age...at the time (Screw you I now what you're thinking). I hand him my doc's...he looks at my license, looks at me...looks back at my license, again at me....doesn't say a fricken word so I chime in with ..."I'll bet ya 20 bucks that'll be the last mullet YOU'LL see for a loooooong time my friend." He looks at it again and starts the silent slap the window sill, stomp the foot, bob the head black guy laugh......it lasted at least what felt like a couple minutes. it was PRICELESS. He composed himself, looked me in the eye and said you have a good night sir........and off I drove!!!.................

 

[James]

Airshow Pilot crashes into 4 buildings

Brace yourself before looking at the attached image. A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

 

[Travace]

what a shitty situation to be in.

 

[PBK]

Oh no!!

 

[CDA]

Two mice were sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub.
The first mouse looks over to his friend and, referring to the toilet, asks, "Wanna go for a swim?"

The second mouse quickly replies.
"Oh, no! I'm never going in there again!!!"

"Well, why not?" says the first mouse.

"Well," starts his friend, "I was in there about a week ago swimming around and minding my own business and all of a sudden it got real dark, it started raining, it started thundering, and if somebody wouldn't have thrown me a log, I would have drowned!"

 

[rezrider]

Airshow Pilot crashes into 4 buildings

Brace yourself before looking at the attached image. A pilot at low level has no control over his aircraft. It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the airshow and slams into four buildings. One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.










































View attachment 256

Jack Ass.....

 

[jackson409]

Jungle Menu:

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu. The menu had the following entrée’s:



Tourist: $5.00

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00



The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for
the politicians?"

The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of
shit, it takes all morning."

 

[James]

Generations
​

The Silent Generation - are people born before 1946.

The Baby Boomers - are people born between 1946 and 1959.

Generation X - are people born between 1960 and 1989.

Generation Y - are people born between 1990 and now.

Why do we call the last one generation Y?

I didn't know till a cartoonist explains it eloquently below...Learned something new today

 

[CDA]