The Official Jokes Thread

M

mmjsport

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James

James

Staff member
This has got to be one of the funniest and most informative pieces trivia I have ever read. You really have to read it to the end to get the full extent of what it is about.

Railroad tracks.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything...and CURRENT Horses Asses in Washington are controlling everything else
I do hope this has been helpful !!
 
James

James

Staff member
What is Celibacy?
​
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.​

​
While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to​
the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the​
things that are important to each other.."​

​
He then addressed the men,​
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'​

​
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,​

​
'Robin Hood -All-Purpose, isn't it?'​

​
And thus began my life of celibacy.........​
​
​
IMG_1467_(396x640).jpg ​
 
rezrider

rezrider

James:
This has got to be one of the funniest and most informative pieces trivia I have ever read. You really have to read it to the end to get the full extent of what it is about.

Railroad tracks.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?' , you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)
Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything...and CURRENT Horses Asses in Washington are controlling everything else
I do hope this has been helpful !!
Click to expand...

:shocked:
 
rezrider

rezrider

OK... I have one...One Easter Sunday morning my mom was getting ready to put a ham into the oven but first she had to cut the ends ofthe ham THEN she placed it into the rather large roasting pan there was so much room you could place almost the entire dinner into the pan. I asked her why she cut the ends, she said because her mom did. So I asked grandma why, she said because her mom did...I asked greatgrandma why, she said because HER mom did...well, since she wasn't alive I dug through some of her old recipes and found one for "baking a ham" that she wrote.

Step 1 - Get roasting pan
Step 2 - Season ham with cloves, pepper, pieapples (optional) and any other seasoning to taste
Step 3 - Place ham into pan
Step 4 - Cut ends of ham so it fits into the pan


Nothing like following a tried and true process .... or would this be considered "tribal knowledge"???

:P
 
jackson409

jackson409

This is the story of the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane
>> > with
>> > just the pilot.
>> >
>> > He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:
>> >
>> > "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and
>> > is
>> > dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
>> >
>> > All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
>> >
>> > "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you
>> > through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
>> > Now, just
>> > relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
>> >
>> > She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
>> >
>> > "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father. .
>> > .
>> > Who art in Heaven. . . .."
 
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