The Official Jokes Thread

[mmjsport]

Maybe they would use the word "height" instead of "altitude" in a real life situation in order to simply the questions or "lingo" so that the passenger can understand easier. When in a stress or panic situation, simplicity helps.

Edit: Regardless, its only a joke. lol And I thought it was funny.

 

[LeadHead]

Maybe they would use the word "height" instead of "altitude" in a real life situation in order to simply the questions or "lingo" so that the passenger can understand easier. When in a stress or panic situation, simplicity helps.

Edit: Regardless, its only a joke. lol And I thought it was funny.

I was thinking the same thing.

 

[rezrider]

A guy sees an ad for a "talking dog" so he responds to it and shows up that afternoon to meet the owner. The owner says "he's out back, I'll meet you out there in a couple minutes, feel free to talk to him." The guy walks out back and sees a black lab as described in the ad, he walks up to it and asks, "you the talking dog", the dog says "yup, that's me"... WOW, the guy's in shock, "so how'd this all come abouts you being a talking dog?" "Well" the dog says "it all started when I was a pup, when my owner realized I had a gift and loaned me out to the US government where I traveled the world sitting in on important meetings acting as though I was someones pet yet learning EVERY little detail about the goings on of all those country's. Then as I got older I was loaned out to the local airports where they had me listen in on conversations of would be passengers, the STUFF you hear in those places is AMAZING...then as I got even older I met a dame, had a mess of pups settled down and retired and here is where I am... Life's been pretty DOG GONE good if you ask me." Just then the owner walks up asks the guy, "well what do you think I heard you guys talking, you want him?" The guy asks "how much?" The owner says without even blinkiing an eye..."$10.00" ... the guy looks at him and asks "that's it, why so cheap?" The owner says , "ahhh he's a bullshitter, he's never been out of the backyard...."

Thank you,,,,, true story!

 

[James]

The government today announced that it is changing its symbol from an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

 

[yamadogyz]

View attachment 7102

The government today announced that it is changing its symbol from an Eagle to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.... A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Depends on the screwing, some I enjoy

 

[redswr]

A baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What can i get for you"

the baby seal looks up and says "Anything but an Canadian club!"

 

[redswr]

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?





Dr Dre

 

[yamadogyz]

Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop?





Dr Dre

 

[rezrider]

So a guy walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of bills of various denominations with a sign posted above it that says "$20, make the donkey laugh and win what's inside the jar". The guy goes outside, the bartender follows... the guy leans over and whispers something into the donkeys ear...the donkey starts hee-hawing so much he falls to the ground with it's legs straight up kicking widlly. The bartender looks at the guy with a stunned look and says, well mister here's your money. The guys leaves. A week later the same guy walks into the bar and sees another jar full of money and reads the sign above it that says "$20, make the donkey cry and win whats in the jar"...he walks outside again with the bartender right behind him ... again, he leans over, whispers something into the donkeys ear steps back a couple feet, the donkey starts to chuckle then looks down at the guys mid section. The donkey starts tearing up then starts balling his head off, crying uncontrollably. The guy turns around, the bartender says well here ya go again. Say you wouldn't mind telling me what you said would ya? The guy stops and says well, the first time I told him my dick was MUCH bigger than his ... the bartender begins to laugh, and this time he the bartender aks ...guy says "I showed him!"

 

[James]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well,.. Vicki is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Vicki surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Vicki.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...''Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[redswr]

Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.​

Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?​

Cowboy: Nah.... She ain't that ugly!!​

 

[James]

IRISH SAUSAGES​

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.​

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'​

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.​

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'​

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'​

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.​

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!'​

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! '​

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'​

The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.​

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.​

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!'​

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.​

 

[James]

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.

This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg , TX who reported finding a man's body last Saturday in the early evening in the Pedernales River near the state highway-87 bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in Kerrville . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

See there, Texas police do care.

 

[James]

 

[James]

A Newfoundland man is drinking in a Fort McMurray Alberta bar​

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when he gets a call on his cell phone.​

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He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his ​

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wife has just produced a typical​

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Newfoundland​

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baby boy weighing 25​

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pounds.​

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Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but​

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the Newfoundlander just shrugs, "That's about average​

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folks...like I said - my boy's a typical​

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Newfoundland​

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baby boy."​

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Two weeks later the Newfoundlander returns to the bar.​

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The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical​

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Newfoundland​

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baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin'​

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bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"​

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The proud father answers, " Seventeen pounds".​

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The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? ​

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He was 25 pounds the day he was born."​

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The​

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Newfoundland​

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father takes a slow swig from his Molson's beer,​

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wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,​

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" Had him circumcised ". ​

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God Bless​

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Newfoundland​

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!!!​

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