The Official Jokes Thread

Rack

Rack

THE FENCE
You can't get any more accurate than this!
Which side of the fence?

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!​

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A Democrat wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Democrat's demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it..
A Democrat demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended".​
 
James

James

Staff member
An Arab gets into a taxi ask and asks the driver to turn off the radio. He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion for in the time of the prophet, there was no music, no radio.

So the driver, a seasoned cabbie from Brooklyn turns off the radio, stops the car, leans over and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him, "What are you doing?"

The driver replied, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out my car and wait for a f.ckin' camel."
 
rezrider

rezrider

KTMRack:
THE FENCE
You can't get any more accurate than this!
Which side of the fence?​
​
If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!​

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.​
If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.​
​
If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.​
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.​
​
If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.​
If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.​
​
If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.​
A Democrat wonders who is going to take care of him.​
​
If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.​
Democrat's demand that those they don't like be shut down.​
​
If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.​
A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.​
​
If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it..​
A Democrat demands that the rest of us pay for his.​
​
If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.​
A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended".​
Click to expand...

Good one DICKRACK... :smirk:
 
530ktm

530ktm

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted," Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
 
rezrider

rezrider

530ktm:
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted," Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
Click to expand...

Did you just make this up .... ? :smirk:
 
Jhutchh

Jhutchh

This guy told me this at work the other day.. I thought it was funny....


Theres this guy that can make an apple taste like WHATEVER he wants. So he brings a few to his friends house to show em off. He hands him the first one and says "here, take a bite". The other guy says "WOW, it tastes like cherries!"
He says "yeah, try the other side"
The other guy says "wow, it tastes like peaches!"
The other guy says "you know, itd be pretty cool if you made one taste like p@$$y."
He says "already thought of that, here, try this one"
The other guy gets all pumped and takes a huge bite.
PUUUHHHH
He spits it out. "uuggghhh this tastes like $#1t"
"No no, you gotta taste the other side.."



Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk 2 Beta-4
 
Sun

Sun

I saw this on Facebook. Im not sure if it is a true story. It "appeared" to be but, I doubt it. Very funny never the less!

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE........ ! !"
 
James

James

Staff member
Sun:
I saw this on Facebook. Im not sure if it is a true story. It "appeared" to be but, I doubt it. Very funny never the less!

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE........ ! !"
Click to expand...
That has made the email rounds a few times, heck I think I even posted it in here awhile ago. Pretty damn funny though. :lol:
 
redswr

redswr

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello?' "Mrs. Adams, please.' asks the voice.
"Speaking.' says Mrs. Adams.


"Mrs. Adams, this is Dr. Jones at Saint Luke's Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Adams arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to you husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."


"What do you mean?" Mrs. Adams asks nervously.
Dr. Jones says, "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV, and we can't tell which is which."

Mrs. Adams questions, "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?"
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time," says Dr. Jones.

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asks Mrs. Adams.
Dr. Jones informs her, "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town, If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
 
rezrider

rezrider

A young girl in her late teens sits down on the couch to tell her parents she is pregnant. They're both shocked by the news, the mother cries then says everything will be alright, the father sits and stares then asks WHO'S THE FATHER? The girl nervously answers His name is Donald and he's very nice. The father replies I want to meet this guy...the girl says OK, I'll call him and have him come over. A short time later a car pulls up out front. They hear 2 doors shut so the mother jumps up to see who it is... she says, there is a beautiful black Rolls Royce in front and there are 2 men walking towards the house 1 in his 30's and the other in his 60's. She asks the girl is one of them the father, she nervously says yes, the older man. The door bell rings, the mother opens the door, the older man says in a VERY distinguished voice..."good evening madam, my name is Donald, I am the father of your daughters baby, may I come in?" the mother hesitates then allows him to come in, please do, the other man stands guard by the door...Donald sits down across from the father... the father looks up and says WELL MISTER, what do you have to say for yourself? Donald answers without hesitation well sir, I am a very very rich man and have given this great thought... if your daughter is to have a boy I will give him 2 factories and 5 milion dollars and my Rolls Royce, if she has a girl I wil give her 10 million dollars and my mansion in the Bahama's, if she has twins I will give each of them a Ferrari and 5 Million dollars each... he pauses then looks up at the mother and asks sheepeshly "if she has a misscarriage, what shall I do?" the father says "YOUR GONNA TRY AGAIN BY GOD..."
 
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