The Official Jokes Thread

[Agent2]

A hot blonde goes into a pet shop to try and get a very exotic pet. She shops for hours, and finally finds a box of frogs labeled "Oral Sex Frogs". She purchases one, and is told by the pet store staff to carefully read the instructions when she gets home, and to call if there are any problems.

She gets home, and the instructions say:
1. take a shower
2. Carefully put on makeup and perfume
3. Pick out a revealing dress and your cutest shoes
4. Put on jewelry
5. Lie down on the bed, and place the frog beside you

She does all this, and nothing happens, so she calls the pet store. In a few minutes, the pet store staff member arrives at her home. He goes into her bedroom and carefully cradles the frog in both hands, bringing it up to eye level. He then says "OK, I'm going to show you how to do this, one more time!

 

[PBK]

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

 

[rezrider]

A guy's sitting in a bar drinkin...been there quite a while.............he orders a drink, bartender pours it, slides it in front of him and say's that;ll be $3.00...the guy reaches into his pockt and pulls out nothing but air. Well he says, I guess I'm done drinkin. He goes home, just as he reaches for the door knob the door flies open, his wife yells at him asking "what's the idea coming home HALF drunk"?...he replies "I ran out of fuckin money"

 

[Rack]

Subject: $280,000 Mortgage----Too Funny!!!


$*280,000 *Mortgage

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST *SHORT JOKE OF 2008

For *his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father *said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house *is*$280,000 *and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'****
*
The *next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little *Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard *you telling mom you were pulling out.**
Then I heard her tell you to wait because *she was coming too.**
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by *myself ........................................**with *a*$280,000 *mortgage and no bike!***
*

 

[rezrider]

Subject: $280,000 Mortgage----Too Funny!!!


$*280,000 *Mortgage

THIS WAS VOTED THE BEST *SHORT JOKE OF 2008

For *his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father *said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house *is*$280,000 *and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'****
*
The *next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little *Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard *you telling mom you were pulling out.**
Then I heard her tell you to wait because *she was coming too.**
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by *myself ........................................**with *a*$280,000 *mortgage and no bike!***
*

......................................................

 

[rezrider]

Little Joseph was attending bible studies one beautiful Sunday morning. When shcool was over he wanted to ask the Nun a question. She sat him down and asked "well Joseph, what is on your mind THIS morning?" Little Joseph asked her "when a person dies I know what goes into heaven first...your feet"! The nun looks at him with a puzzled look..."what ever do you mean Joseph"? Joseph told her, "well Sister, I was walking down the hall the other night to go potty when I heard my moms voice, she sounded like she was yelling something so I opened her bedroom door...my dad was laying on top of my mom, she was laying on her back with her feet up in the air yelling OH GOD I'M COMING"....

 

[PBK]

 

[Rack]

A GOOD ONE...ENJOY!!!

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

[rezrider]

 

[James]

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."




"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

 

[James]

Who says senior citizens don't wear stylish clothes.

 

[James]

 

[James]

PRIVATE PART DIED

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong,
“Yes, Nurse Tracy ” said Mr. Wallace.
“My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.'

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private
Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Tracy. “Mr. Wallace,” she said, “You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'

“But, Nurse Tracy I can't,” replied Mr. Wallace.
“I told you yesterday that my Private Part died. “
“Yes,” said Nurse Tracy, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'

(You've gotta love this ..)

“Well,” he replied, “Today is the viewing.”




IF YOU ARE NOT LAUGHING SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOU

 

[rezrider]

So an older woman is stitting on her couch petty her cat when she notices it scratching at it's ears...she figures it must be the hair in them so being retired and not having a lot of extra "squish" lying around she decides to go to the local drug store rather then to the vet assuming the bill would be too expensive. She walks up to the counter and asks the pharmacist "what is the best hair removal product you have"? "well the clerk says it depends on where you put it"....he continues by explaining to her..."we have this stuff that if you use it on your legs you shouldn't wear pants for about 3 days or if used on your arms you should keep from wearing long sleeves for 2 days...what area are you concerned with ma'am?" asks the clerk...being a little embarrassed she quietly says, "well, it's my kitty"..."WELL THEN the clerk says, if that's the case I recommend not riding a bicycle for at least 2 weeks....."

 

[CDA]

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and
says to the man,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology


The guy leaves, but he is curious...
So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives
It to the man and says,
"What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar,
Budweiser and John Deere tractors.


The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting,
so he thinks he will try it one more time..
He goes back into the bar. The robot says,
"What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings
him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50.."
The robot leans in real close and says,
"So, you people still happy you voted for
Obama?"