The Official Jokes Thread
- Thread starter James
- Start date
Surprise...no Chuck Norris stuff..........
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo ?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word ?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale ?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this
shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team ?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
That is all..................
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo ?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word ?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale ?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ....'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this
shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team ?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
That is all..................
A man visits his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so that he can talk to her.
The wife comes in to the doctor's office, and the doctor asks her what is wrong -- why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.'
When I get to work, I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.'
Back home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.'
So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, I don't want it anymore."
The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
The wife comes in to the doctor's office, and the doctor asks her what is wrong -- why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.'
When I get to work, I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.'
Back home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.'
So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, I don't want it anymore."
The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Business was slow so two bored casino dealers are chatting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wanted to bet $10,000 on a single roll of the dice.
And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
The dealers said OK, With that she takes off everything but her necklace and with her big boobs bouncing she rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new
clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."
She begins jumping up and down bouncing her boobs even more, and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her
clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.
And she adds, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
The dealers said OK, With that she takes off everything but her necklace and with her big boobs bouncing she rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new
clothes." Then she yells, "YES, YES, YES!! I WON, I WON, I WON."
She begins jumping up and down bouncing her boobs even more, and hugging both of the dealers. Then she picks up her money and her
clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.
Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll, anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching."
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb.
What to do on an airplane when you find yourself seated next to a real jerk
1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your Internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky,
or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open this site http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8.. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.
1. Take out your laptop.
2. Slowly open your laptop.
3. Turn it on.
4. Make certain your neighbor is watching.
5. Open your Internet browser.
6. Close your eyes for a few moments, open them and then look up to the sky,
or the heavens if you will.
7. Breathe deeply and open this site http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
8.. Look at the expression on your neighbor's face.
President bush decides to leave the ranch and go out to sit in the local crawford bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, " isnt that bush sitting at the end of the bar?"
The bartender says , " yup thats him". So the guy walks over and says " wow this is a real honor ! What are you doing in here?"
Bush says " Im planning WWIII"
The guy says , "really? whats going to happen?"
Bush says, " well, Im going to kill 140 million muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed " a blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to the bartender and says , " See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."
The bartender says , " yup thats him". So the guy walks over and says " wow this is a real honor ! What are you doing in here?"
Bush says " Im planning WWIII"
The guy says , "really? whats going to happen?"
Bush says, " well, Im going to kill 140 million muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed " a blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to the bartender and says , " See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims."
James
Staff member
If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to waitALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!
12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!
7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to waitALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!
12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!
Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
James
Staff member
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 5000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave, driving a properly-maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
TOTAL: $31.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 5000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave, driving a properly-maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change:$30.00
Coffee: $1.00
TOTAL: $31.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
- Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.
- Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
- Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
- Have another beer while watching oil drain.
- Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
- Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
- Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
- Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
- Remember drain plug from step 11.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Drink beer.
- Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
- Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
- Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
- Begin cussing fit.
- Throw stupid crescent wrench.
- Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
- Beer.
- Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
- Beer.
- Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
- Beer.
- Lower car from jack stands.
- Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
- Beer.
- Test drive car.
- Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
- Car gets impounded.
- Call loving wife, make bail.
- 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!
