The Official Jokes Thread

[James]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

 

[James]

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer rugs.

It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.

 

[James]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the hat.

















It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But...don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!

 

[James]

Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...

 

[James]

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.


An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally .”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money-fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” Sally said, “No”. Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.” Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....” The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

 

[James]

AMISH VIRUS:



You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor
computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files.

Thank Thee.

 

[James]

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 left.


But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of wine one year ago, drunk all the
Wine, then turned in the bottles for the recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00.


Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

 

[rezrider]

If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen...Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to waitALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

12) And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores! And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

AHHHH the memories...............yeah and as for cartoons, they were the good ones like The Road Runner and Wyle E. Coyote, Bugs, Martin the Martian...so they shot each other, hit each other, ran over each other...it sure as hell didn't make me want to go out and try it on my best friend...I've had some serious thoughts lately though now that I'm commuting on the 91...

 

[PBK]

AHHHH the memories...............yeah and as for cartoons, they were the good ones like The Road Runner and Wyle E. Coyote, Bugs, Martin the Martian...so they shot each other, hit each other, ran over each other...it sure as hell didn't make me want to go out and try it on my best friend...I've had some serious thoughts lately though now that I'm commuting on the 91...

hell yea they had the kickasss cartoons back then, my favorite as a kid was pye pye the sailor man.

 

[PBK]

The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last
test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the
bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed
up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly
face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed
sheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by
the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing
and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard ask:
"What's going on?" To which the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out
of a ghost."

 

[CDA]

An Alaskan man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a mean old pit bull and a shotgun.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot that damn dog."

 

[Travace]

CDA

 

[payloan]

Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane
trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl
but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I
gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and
I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna
find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me
some floe-esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is
goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey
can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties......'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends,
you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause
if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first.'

​

 

[jackson409]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off
his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to
his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet,
gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...
"You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

 

[PBK]

@ jackson rofflmfao